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Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Figures Out Why There are So Many Lesbians in the United States

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Better last than never.  Hey it was my birthday.  Cut me some slack.  And some ham.  Burp.  Here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

  • We pick things up right where left off with Ronnie being “drunk.”  He’s “drunk” just like the folks on Intervention who cut up pills, snort them, and heat up metal spoons with a lighter are “drunk.”  Look, I’ve been so many sheets to the wind that I’ve had a full on conversation with myself in the mirror before and, still, I have never been as “drunk” as Ronnie.
  • Why are Grandpa Sitch’s sunglasses, in “da club” crooked and hanging off his face and halfway down his nose?  Am I that old that this is a new trend that I’m completely unaware of?
  • After Snooki and JWoww ShamWow have a brief conversation about their (hurl) periods (bleach in ears), Snook’s decides to call her boyfriend Emilio (Estevez?), but he can’t hear a thing she’s saying because he’s out at his own “da club” and hanging with half naked girls who are, more than likely, more tan than Lil Kim and sporting eyebrows drawn in with a thin-tip Sharpie.
  • Snooki is not only getting all political on our asses this season, but she’s also teaching us earth shattering concepts like, “Men don’t know how to deal with women…and that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”  Really?  That’s why?  I always assumed it was because of the increase in lesbian talk-show hosts over the past decade.  Odd.  I’ll have to re-tally my numbers and get back to you.
  • So I have a question?  How dumb is Sammi SweatStains?  Every time she asks the roommates if Ronnie is cheating on her they literally don’t answer her and look the other way.  At one point I’m pretty sure I heard crickets rolling their eyes.  At other point when she was asking I’m pretty sure she was leaning on Ronnie who was motorboating a stranger in Sammi’s bed and she still didn’t believe it.
  • Minutes later Emilio called back to punk Snooki and let her know that he banged some girl tonight.  Odd how JWoww jumped up when she heard this in a way that really said, “It wasn’t me.  I was here the whole time.  You saw me here.  You can’t prove anything.  Do you have any ham?”  Why would he joke that he banged another girl when he didn’t?  Whatever happened to just sending flowers or, you know, telling a girl she’s not hot enough to get you aroused?  Eh, I guess I’m just old fashion and classy.
  • Emilio calls back (again like a little b*tch) and when ShamWow answers the phone and starts yelling at him he confuses her with an answering machine.  This is actually a step up for ShamWow as most guys usually just confuse her for a f*cking machine.  Hey-oh!  Try the veal!
  • Overplayed Quote of the Season:  “Do you.”  Enough.  None of you are Kid ‘n Play so stop this saying.  Immediately.  Do you.  Do you.  You know what?  Do reading.  Do math.  Do charity work.
  • When Ronnie comes home at 6am Sammi decides to keep the fight from episode one going.  I’m over them.  They’re officially at Heidi and Spencer status right now.  Sidenote, Ronnie lets us know that Sammi shouldn’t test him because he doesn’t take tests and that’s why he never went to college.  Yeah, no.  I don’t think that’s the reason.  Colleges also don’t typically give out scholarships based on waxing patterns so, yeah, there’s that too.
  • It’s so odd to see the girls eating at sushi restaurant.  I always pictured them eating spicy buffalo wings with their bare breasts.  And, by the way, Snooki is dressed to perfection with her yellow Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat and matching seizure pattern shirt.  I’m surprised the waitstaff didn’t think she was a friggin Harajuku girl.
  • Grandpa Situation is making “Sunday Dinner” and suddenly this scene turns into an episode of I Love Lucy.  He drops the pans of sauce all over the kitchen floor, Snooki explodes a bottle of champagne which almost dented Pauly D’s hair, and then Grandpa Sitch knocks stuff out of the refrigerator.  I was waiting for JWoww to start wrestling with an old Italian woman stomping grapes with her feet and then, you know, going down on her.
  • After dinner the whole gang decides to play a game of asking each other awkward questions, but not before all the girls literally dress up like street-walking-whores.  My crotch started to itch just looking at them and, well, not in the good way.  However, the quote of the night goes to Pauly D/Ellen Travolta when he tells Angelina that it looks like she’s wearing her luggage from last year.  Brilliant.  It makes me want to get a douche-bag blowout and hand over my keyboard to Pauly D for an episode or two.
  • The questions during “family game night” consist of things like, “who’s cheated on their girlfriend/boyfriend in the past,” “Who is the president of IFF,” and “Which guy in the house would take a dump on Sammi’s chest.”  Duh, the obvious answer to that is JWoww.  I think she’d not only do Shasta McNasty on your chest but then she’d whip out her ding-dong and whiz all over you.  I believe that’s officially called the JWoww ShamPlow or “Special #4” if you’re ordering online.  Tell ’em Patrick sent you can get an additional 10% off.
  • It’s another night out at one of the same 3 clubs they always go to and a switch flips and Ronnie is (shocker) “drunk” again.  Oh and he is fighting with Sammi SweatStains.  Sammi is taking a page from the Audrina Patridge script and repeating the whole, “I’m done, I’m done.  Seriously I’m done” scene that Oddy use to spew out about Justin Bobby.  Yawn.
  • Ronnie is so “drunk” that Sammi has to help in out of “da club,” put him in “da cab,” and then get him into “da bed.”  Since they’re both a class act, Sammi puts a cooking pot next to his bed in case he vomits.  Of course, seconds later Ronnie somehow does a triple salchow off his bed and flips over and lands on the floor.  Of course he picks himself up and then falls head first into the wall.  At this point I’m fine with watching that 15 second scene on a loop for the remainder of this crapisode.  I could, however, give or take hearing Ronnie puke up his guts in the toilet.  Eh, at least he didn’t use the lobster pot.  I’m sure that’s reserved for middle of the night pisses anyway.
  • Meanwhile, Snooki and JWoww (who I must admit I enjoy watching get into shenanigans together) head on out to an Internet Cafe to type up an anonymous letter to Sammi to let her know that Ronnie has been cheating on her.  Snooki informs us that in the letter they referenced the word “breasts” and she only calls them “t*ts,” so she thinks this means Sammi will never know the letter is coming from either herself or ShamWow.  Uh, I’m pretty sure the fact that it’s typed up and not hand-written in whore-red lipstick or crayons is enough to make Sammi never question if it’s from Snook’s or Sham’s.  As  a sidenote, I must say that I was very impressed with Snooki’s typing skills and speed.  She almost got all the words right.  This far exceed my expectations or her going the “hen peck” method of typing, but with her vag.
  • In the end, the girls try to bully (systematic bullying) Angelina into taking part in this letter planting scheme.  Angelina is hesitant since she knows this will all end up being blamed on her when the shiz hits the fan.  I am pleasantly surprised that Angelina could put two and two together.  I am equally impressed that Angelina is not wearing her sunglasses in the house right now.  Also, Snooki’s “freakin’ poof” in the Miami humidity is starting to look like an Easter bonnet.  Go with God.
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