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Jersey Shore Recap: Uncle Nino + Danny Devito + Lil Kim = 1 Snooki (Remainder 2)

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Leave to MTV so sneak a new crapisode of Jersey Shore on before the VMAs on Sunday.  Well you have to wake up early in the morning to pull one over on me.  Actually, you only need to wake up.  Anycrap, here’s what went down on the latest episode of The Shore:

  • Well it’s the morning after Angelina Trash Bag’s big bang-a-thon with Vinny.  We should just assume in this case it’s like trying to fit a watermelon into a trash barrel, no?  You know, it slides right in on the first try and about 3 seconds into it you start to smell fish and coffee grounds?  But I digress.  I don’t want to get too descriptive.  Basically I’m saying her vag is big and it stinks.  Was that not clear?
  • Vinny’s mom calls and from the sounds of it she’s having a real hard time with “the phone.”  Angelina keeps answering her questions right as his mom starts staying something else.  It’s like listening to that horrific time-delay on The Today Show when Meredith is interviewing someone via satellite.
  • There’s a big debate going on in the house on whether or not Angelina did naughty boom boom with Vinny.  Because she’s the Princess Diana of Staten Island she won’t directly answer the question, but the smoke seeping out from between her legs provides us all the answers we really need.
  • Vinny is (fist) pumped that his mom is coming to visit because she’ll cook for everyone and sweep all the crabs and other pubic lice circus members out from the house.  I’m sure after a glass of red wine she’ll be giving rub-n-tugs just left the hot tub.
  • Whilst at the gelato shop, Vinny’s mom surprises him with Uncle Nino.  Spoiler Alert:  Uncle Nino may be a Level Three, but only in the good way…like basically he uses his cane to flip the tops off of girls who are 18+.  However, I’m sure he still has to introduce himself to everyone in the neighborhood, legally speaking.  More on him later.
  • JWoww ShamWow and Snooki are the only two sitting at a table for 10 and discussing the Angelina/Vinny hook-up.  They could be talking about healthcare reform, but I have no clue as I am fixated on what in the holy hell JWoww is doing with her tongue during this conversation.  She’s sticking it out (per usual) but this time she is rubbing something all over it in a circular motion.  Of course our first guess would be “the peen” but it almost looks like it’s some kind of powdery substance.  Perhaps it’s Ronnie’s Ecstasy (allegedly) all cut up.  Or maybe it’s just the mint from Snooki’s mint-box (giggity).  Although I like my other guesses better.
  • In “Me and Vinny Have More Things in Common” news:  When Vinny’s mom comes to the house with a suitcase filled with food she brings him his favorite surprise dessert which is the Entenmann’s cake.  You know what?  That’s my favorite too.  If I could kick up my tanning a notch and invest in some hair gel I bet I’d have a really good shot at this show.  Oh, and shave my Muppet eyebrows.  Oh, and do ab exercises.  Oh, and get crabs.  Oh, and learn new acronyms.  Oh, and go to the gym more.  Oh, and get many wife-beaters.
  • You know who should get together?  Angelina’s “friend” Jose and Sammi.  They, too, have a lot in common.  For example, they were both made fools of on national television.
  • So.  Um.  Uncle Nino is basically a mix of Andrew Dice Clay and Cousin Jerry from “Fact’s of Life” right?  I just checked wikipedia and, well, he is.  I’m also hoping he has a touch of the “drunk” because that can be the only explanation of why he is the way he is.  You can’t understand one word he’s saying and MTV doesn’t even bother trying to add sub-titles.  I’m pretty sure he’s mumbling that  he wants to store his cane in JWoww’s ShamWow…or her bum-bum.  Either way, it’s going to hurt the both of us.
  • Now it’s time for the 3 course meal, all prepared with a cigarette lighter and cooked out of Vinny’s moms luggage.  After each course the gang either lays down, smokes a cigarette, or takes a nasty dump.  Funny, I watch Jersey Shore using the same strategic tactics.  After all three courses are completed it’s time for dessert, which oddly is Yodles and milk.  I guess there was no room for the Tiramisu in her carry-on.
  • Uncle Nino is smoking in the hot tub and so it only makes sense that JWoww and Snooki get in as well.  Once the guys jump in we have all the necessary ingredients to make a proper Douche Stew.  Please make sure you let it simmer before serving.  Add bullion for flavor.
  • How come sometimes Grandpa Situation talks in a southern accent?  Discuss.
  • Did Snooki steal LC’s mustache?  Sometimes?  Discuss.
  • Grandpa Sitch and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta bring back some local PWT (pretty white trash – I can make up my own acronyms, thank you) to the house of horror so that they can do sex to them and capture it on camera.  The camera really serves as a good cataloging device.  After Grandpa Sitch forces the blond chick to sit on his face with his “jogging pants” on she decides to leave and let him know that she has a boyfriend (aka – “has sobered up”).  She leaves with the parting words, “Have fun playing with yourselves.”  You know what?  She’s a wise “woman” and a class act.
  • Grandpa Sitch decides to call every girl he knows and he only gets voicemails.  Pauly D calls one chick to come over at 6am and instructs her to bring a friend for Grandpa.  This trash heap comes on over at 6am, but she comes alone, which means that Grandpa Sitch comes alone as well.  Hey-oh!
  • As Pauly D bangs the trash bag out of this trash bag, Grandpa Situation makes an egg sandwich and eats it in his bed as he watches Pauly D go to town.  These are customary “best practices” for Jersey.
  • The next day or same night the gang heads out to my favorite place, “da club.”  Angelina even invites Jose so that she can humiliate him more on camera.  Oh, and she does.  Grandpa, like a little school girl, tells Jose that if Angelina doesn’t tell him “something” then he will.  Therefore, Angelina is forced to spills the jar of gel and let him know that she hooked up with Vinny, all whilst Vinny dances in the background with his baseball hat covering his eyes.  Poor Jose and by “poor Jose” I of course mean, “I actually don’t care.”  Next.
  • Angelina and Jose leave “da club” but end up walking home arm in arm because, well, Jose would please like some more camera time, thank you. Please and thank you.
  • Back at “da club” Vinny and Pauly D find some chicks that they really feel like they like a lot after talking with them for under 15 seconds.  Vinny, in fact, tells this one girl, Ramona, that he’s going to tell his friends that he “found his future wife tonight.’  Uh, yeah, girls like to hear that right off the bat as much as guys like to hear girls say “I think I’m pregnant” 10 seconds after you’re done having sex with them.  The More You Know.
  • The next day Vinny and Pauly D decide they want to take their new “girls” out for an actual date.  Vinny calls up “Mona” to ask her out and it was horribly painful to listen to.  I think in the end he said that Pauly D is going out on a date and Vinny doesn’t want to be alone so he’s asking her for a “sympathy” date.  I’m pretty sure I yelled out “Oh Christ” during this scene or maybe it was the voices in my head.  Either way, someone yelled it.
  • Pauly D and Vinny go all out for this date.  They get their haircuts, go and buy flowers, buy new shirts and, of course, pick up their laundry.  They’re both on cloud nine.  Well, that is until Ramona calls Vinny to cancel the date.  Actually, she doesn’t even say it.  She calls and basically just says “um” the whole time.  Vinny tells her it’s ok and then slams the phone down and rushes out of the house in a hurried huff.  Geesh.  I hope he didn’t get his laundry done for nothing!
  • Vinny sits outside and sulks.  He must really be upset because Pauly D comes outside and lets us see his hair all wet and curly and sans gel.  He looks like Ellen Travolta more than ever.
  • Vinny ends up calling Ramona again and actually begs her to go out with him.  She finally says “yes” and Vinny gets all excited again.  Well, that was short lived because she never ends up showing up.  Poor Vinny.  That kind of sucks.  I mean, we’ve all be there.  Well I haven’t, but I’m sure most of the American public has been.  Kidding.   I’m there all the time, as I write a blog and, well, that kind of makes me Loser
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