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Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

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Gobble Gobble! It’s time to give thanks during the Thanksgiving episode of Douche Bag Creek. Is is just me or does Chrissy seem to come home every 4 days? Anyway, here’s how this episode, It’s O-V-E….but not R, goes down:
  • Ah sorority sluts. How I’ve missed them. The sorority sisters a telling Chrissy how much they’ll miss her and her family when she goes home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, more like they’ll miss her party mansion. Although, I’m sure the girls are relieved they won’t have to run into Chrissy’s dad who is probably already sketching out his plan to drug them and then diddle the hell out of them. Pervert.
  • Steve Sanders Jr. is a tool, but then he calls Chrissy’s “boyfriend” Billy a “douche” and then suddenly I gain a little respect for him. This is Douche Bag Creek after all so it is fitting. As a side note, why does Clay always look high? Is he going to be the new J-Wahl?
  • Steve Sanders Jr haircut is sort of resembling Ellen DeGeneres. Just sayin’.
  • Taylor and her friend are getting their make-up done in what looks like an 80’s music video montage because…..? No clue why.
  • Kylie, Chrissy, Chase, and Brody Jr. Jenner are all on a double-date and talking about the party from the week before. They all sound like they are reading from cue cards when Brody Jr. Jenner says, “that was a nice surprise though, right?” (about Clay surprising Chrissy). They all awkwardly laugh….but more like because he wasn’t reading the cue cards, he was just ad-libbing. Perhaps this was like the Blooper reel for them?
  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having the lamest BBQ ever. Taylor shows up in what I can only assume is aluminum foil. Oh wait, maybe they’re going to toss her onto the grill and cook her up?
  • Taylor peels off her tin foil and hops into the hot tub. Whoa. How the hell old is she? 18? Please? She is way hotter than Chrissy. Thanks for packing on the Freshman 15, Chrissy, in the first 2 months. Can’t wait to see you rolling onto the scene in May.
  • YES! It’s time for a pointless segment with Allie and Samantha! This is great! It looks like they’re at the same apartment complex that Daniel and his mother moved into in Karate Kid Part One. I know, for sure, that Mr. Miagi is around there somewhere.
  • These two are so pointless. No joke, Allie just said the word “like” around 56 times. I’m not lying. Rewind it and count it. If they edited out all the times Allie said “like” her conversation would have gone something like this: “Hey Sam.” The end.
  • Even better! It’s time for a scripted Thanksgiving dinner at Chrissy’s house. There is basically no other family members there except the token grandma and then Chrissy’s DB friends. Chrissy’s dad better keep that turkey in front of his pants because I think he’s ready to diddle.
  • Oh Christ. They’re going around the table saying what they are thankful for. My turn. I’m thankful that I haven’t gone into cardiac arrest and lapse into a coma from watching this show. I’m the worst.
  • Oh Christ Part II. Chrissy’s pervy dad is asking Chase and Kylie is they’re together….you know, because it’s his business? Chrissy’s mom calls them “tweeners” and it’s at this moment where I decide I officially hate me and my life.
  • Sasha is shoveling in her food. Down girl!
  • Here’s where the secondhand embarrassment comes in. Chrissy says that with her and Clay it’s O-V-E….but the “R” isn’t there yet. Retard. No joke, no one says anything. It gets really awkward and Chrissy just smiles. Yes, my friends, it has come to this. I miss Cami.
  • What the hell? Chase goes to meet Kylie’s family. Her mother looks exactly like her. This is just like Jessica and her mom from Laguna Beach. Now that was a show!
  • Does Chase know that Kylie is the guy in the relationship? It’s like she wants no part of this.
  • Woo-hoo! Chrissy and Sasha are trashed at the lamo party. Sasha must realize it’s her time to shine and has a few lines to say. She constantly is fixing her hair while talking. Good way to be camera ready, Sasha.
  • Are there 6 sets of commercials in this episode?
  • The show ends with Chrissy telling her pervy dad that she still has feelings for Clay and for Brody Jr. Jenner. What’s a girl (who’s gained a few pounds in her first semester of college) to do?
  • I’m sure the producers are hoping that Chrissy drops out of college, moves back home, decides to go to fashion school, and then moves to LA. They can then call her new show something like “The Hillsport Harbor Beach.”

Only 1 more crapisode left! I’m almost free!

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Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving