Spoiler Alert: Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame Parties.”
I’m Not One for Terrorism, But… – I’m not one for “the terrorism” that “the kids” are wild about these days, but if Ashley has plans to make a new life for herself in California then maybe, just maybe, those pesky terrorists should consider lighting up their underwear and shoes over there vs. the east coast. Get creative, dress like Kim Kardashian and ignite a fake ass and take out at least 12 blocks. Sky is the limit. Anywhereisashleysnewnose, Ashley continues to be a grade A C-word all whilst her family and the camera crew are still at the restaurant (that they’re probably not likely to be asked back to). And poor Jacqueline is still trapped in the basement with one camera man where she just keeps on uncontrollably hyperventilating and crying. She sounds like horses running from a barn fire. Ironically, she kind of resembles one too. More importantly Ashley’s whole life could have taken a different direction if her step-mom, who looks like a pageant mom, entered our little Jon-Benet into a “Little Miss Giant Head” competition. Instead we’re left with a big b*tch with a variety of hats that are “on trend” for about 2 days. Thanks Texas!
Laws Are Just Merely Suggestions – In case you forgot there were other people on this show besides Ashley and Jacqueline, Teresa is on it too. Tre-bagger and Barney Rubble head out to see their lawyer so that their lawyer can basically talk to the Bravo cameras and explain to “The America” just exactly what is going on with their little court case. For some reason Tre-bagger is dressed like Betty Boop to go to the law office and Barney looks like he’s wearing the B.U.M Equipment sweatshirt that he wants to be buried in. Apparently Tre-bagger is free of all charges but Barney, on the other hand, is going to have to pay his ex-partner (Fred?) $260,000 for evidently forging his signature on some documents. Barney thinks that because he admitted to forging the signature it’s ok, but a few people like “the judge” and “people who made the laws” think it’s not so, well, it’s time to sell Gia, Gabriella, and Capicola on the black market in order to pay off this debt. Either that or get Milania her own show and let her start earning for the family. Reality TV shows for kids is the new paper route. However, my favorite part was during Teresa’s one on one interview when she said (about Barney), “Some of my Jewish friends said, ‘I would have left him in a second.'” So, for those of you playing along at home, Teresa is insinuating that Jewish people are in it for the money. Please send her hate mail to: P.O Box 555…
You Know They’re Reaching When “Zen Jen” Makes a Comeback Appearance – Ugh. Somebody, punch someone! Caroline, slap the face off Ashley? Please, anybody! Do something! We do not need to live in a Housewives world where Zen Jen gets 6 minutes of air-time smudging Kat’s house. I mean, it was nice to get a flashback of Dina, but still. If Zen Jen is going to smudge anything it should be the Gamlour Shots of Kat’s daughter that are hung all around the house. Oh, and smudge everyone’s oversized teeth. Those need special spiritual attention.
I’m Doing Flash Cards with Teresa…STAT! – Is Tre-bagger like those old Italian families who back in 1920 never made it past 2nd grade? No really, is she? While I do love me some Teresa, she’s bricks. Whilst at Kat’s pointless Goddess party (where they eat tiny dixie cups of Mediterranean food off of chandeliers) Tre-bagger shows up, barely says hello to Kat, and then starts talking about the weather, including a pending snowstorm that she has brilliantly called “a Norwegian” instead of a “Nor’easter.” How this chick was able to cut and paste her mom’s recipes into a cookbook and make it into a New York Times Best Seller is beyond me. Although, a “Norwegian” does sound refreshing especially in the dead of the winter so hopefully she’s on to something. Or on something.
Speaking of a Goddess Party…Why? – I’m not entirely understanding what a goddess party is, why Kat is on this show, why this segment is getting about 15 minutes of air time, and why my NYC studio apartment appears to be bigger than Kat’s house. These are all questions that I have and I want answers, damn it! Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, Tre is fresh off a “court win” (as she thinks) and is ready to throw down with anyone. She picks a fight with Melissa over her saying that they haven’t spoken in years even though Melissa attended one of her 300 kids christenings and then later she’s making little comment under her breath about the parsley in Kat’s salad that she was “forced” to eat. Had there actually been enough room in the living room for a table and they weren’t forced to eat off their laps, Teresa looks like she was ready to flip one. Ugh, those were the days. Tre-bagger even calls out Melissa for trying to become friends with Kim G even though they knew that she was trying to start trouble with Teresa. Here’s the thing, I firmly believe that Teresa is pissed over the fact that Melissa and Kat are on this show at all and that they’re willing to do scenes with Kim G just to get more airtime and that pisses Tre off. But she can’t seem to say that so she talks complete rag-time-bull-sh*t about other junk that doesn’t matter. Either way, to diffuse the situation Kat has Tila Tequila come out from the other room dressed like Princess Jasmine and start belly-dancing for no reason whatsoever.
I Don’t Want to Eat There – Bonus information includes the idea that Tre-bagger and Barney are opening their own restaurant where Teresa will “be the hostess” and “dress in large gowns.” No really, she said that. So basically it’s going to be like a Red Lobster with marinara. By the way, if they have another kid they should totally name her Marinara. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
Tre is Killing it Tonight – Who knew millions of dollars in debt would make Teresa comical? While (still) at the Goddess party, Tre makes fun of the backless shirt with chains that Melissa is wearing and says during her one on one interview, “It’s Boardwalk…definitely something they sell on the Jersey Shore.” Brilliant. I think I’m going to start using that to describe things from this point forward, “It’s Boardwalk.” For example, this recap is Boardwalk.
Good News/Bad News, Ashley Finally Gets Kicked Out of the House…But Not Out of the Country – In the end, since Ashley is dead inside and is going to burn in the firey pits of hell for all eternity, Chris and Jacqueline decide to kick Ashley out of their house now so that she can move to California and hit rock bottom. See you in porn followed by a short stint in Celebrity Rehab. I’m kidding. She’s not a celebrity so, well, see you in regular rehab! I’ll be the one there with the Red Sox hat on talking about his addiction to Rosie from the same show you were on.