Wow I can’t believe this is the last episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey already! It seems like it just started 14 months ago and now we’re wrapping it up. So what will happen? Will Lauren finally be charged for the brutal strangling of Ashley? Will the Brothers Manzo get a spinoff show that’s played on whatever channel the UPN turned into at 2:30am? Will Teresa learn words? Moreover, will Milania be able to slap and claw her way out of New Jersey once and for all? None of this and less will be answered during the season finale.
Well it was a let down. Should I stop right here? I’ll go on, a little. This last episode left me feeling one thing; unattended. I mean, Rosie didn’t even make a guest appearance. Unattended! The editing machine at the Bravo rust dumpster tried to tie this season up with 42 minutes of everyone getting along and being forgiving. Uh, if I wanted to watch uneducated people be nice to each other in front of a camera I’d tune into reruns of Little House on the Prairie. What’s worse is that they had to cram in one last segment of Caroline’s Rules. Can one of those rules be “Caroline needs to stop sounding pissed off and bothered every time she talks into the microphone?” because it should be. I believe her segment included people calling in to tell Caroline what their dream is. I’m not kidding. One crazy b*tch (who was probably Kim G disguising her voice) called in to say that her dream is to own a huge house and fill it with children. Creeptastic. So she either wants start a local child prostitution ring or she’s a pedophile. Either way, I hope someone calls the authorities.
As if things can’t get worse we all get to saddle up and watch Kat’s daughter, “Glamor Teeth,” get ready for her school formal. This would have been the perfect time for Rosie to come in as the limo driver. Alas, it doesn’t happen. The only bit of comic relief is when Richie asks Victoria’s date if he’s ever had broken nuts before. So is he trying to scare him or tea-bag him because, once again, I’m feeling unattended. #Unattended! Hash tag, hash tag, hash tag! At one point I thought they were actually at the formal but then realized that about 100 people are in a tent on Kat’s front lawn taking pictures in front of a step-and-repeat. Oddly enough, that tent is the size of their actual house. Poor Kat is crying because she feels like her kids are growing up too fast and, also, I don’t care. Punch someone. Next!
Later, it’s picture day at Teresa’s house! The whole fam-i-ly is going to be together for this picture. I figured they’d do an oil painting, you know, because they’re Italian and all but they just hired some Sears kids portrait photographer to take 1 million pictures of them instead. This lady is bat-sh*t crazy. First off she’s rocking a half-grown-out Ma’am Paupadopolis haircut and she’s holding a feather duster and trying to make everyone smile by changing her voice and, literally, saying, “Uh oh did someone just fart?” I found myself blurting out, “Yeah Ma’am someone did. That’ll be me. And as long as I’m in the privacy of my own home I’ll do as I please.” Then I farted again and ran to the bathroom because I thought I had an accident. The point is, be careful when you do that after a night of beers and bar food. I mean, who the hell needs to clean that up at 10:30pm on a Sunday night? Certainly not me. Where was I? Ah yes, speaking of little sh*t’s, cue Milania. Dear Blessed Mother Bindi Irwin I love that Milania! She’s a train wreck. Here’s what I feel like she must think every morning when she gets up:
1. Punch my sisters
2. Declare Jihad on at least 10 rooms in this hollow house by lunch
3. Spank the baby
4. Watch Dora
5. Jump on sisters head and couch (repeat many times)
6. Scream all whilst hair is in its “rats nest” stage
7. Slap people in the face (feel free to replace with punches if needed)
8. Figure out ways to be worse than the Tasmanian Devil
9. Choke b*tches
I think she sticks to a tight, yet productive, schedule. Good for her. Everyone is getting along great because Teresa won’t stop saying, “I want my family to be together.” Seriously, the “drink” word should definitely be “Be Together.” Also, you know how in the middle of the mall they have those woman who appear to use a needle and thread to remove part of your eyebrows? Can Teresa have that done to her hairline? I’m not kidding, if they could thread off like 7-12 inches of hairline I bet she’ll look way better. Either way, the pictures are taken all throughout the afternoon even though Teresa’s dad wants to dirt-nap himself the second he walks in the house. The only thing really missing from Picture Day is Gia (z-snap) singing one of her real upbeat and uplifting songs. How ’bout a little ditty about Grandpa’s pending death? I’m sure “Zia Melissa” can have her producers mix it and make it into a “dance hit” that “no one” is “dancing to” in ” da clubs.” Not sure why all the quotes but it just really seemed necessary.
Ashley…I mean “Ashlee” will burn in hell. Next.
I feel like some other stuff may have happened but, to be honest, it legit was all horrible. It wasn’t until about 10:50 that we were even introduced to Teresa’s cookbook. Now, I don’t know a lot about cookbooks as I only make sandwiches but, uh, I’m pretty sure her book is missing…uh…the recipes? Everyone is up in flabby arms because in Teresa’s introduction she basically makes fun of Caroline the whole time, but there isn’t an insult that they take more to heart that Teresa saying that Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. The horror! I’m pretty sure she also said that Caroline is as Italian as the Olive Garden and that her cookbook is for “families” so she doesn’t believe in having strippers work at a car-wash. Seriously, I honestly don’t think anyone edited her book. Like, I think Teresa wrote it exactly they way she speaks…impeccably. The fact that she could even string words together to form sentences that were kind of almost insults is kind of a big deal. So, bravo, for Tre-bagger! Jacqueline even gets involved by talking to Teresa about how her “1/16th Italian” reference is really hurtful to the Manzo’s because you never say that to an Italian. I’m sorry is all of this actually happening? For the love of God, someone punch someone! Hit someone. I want assault! I want battery! I want black-and-blue mug shots! Something. Anything. I’m running out of breath.
In the end, Caroline is pissed at Teresa and knows that their friendship has changed. The only good thing that will come out of this is that next season (next year) maybe they’ll fist fight? I don’t know. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but bring Danielle back. At least she’s so crazy that it was easy to make fun of. This crap is grasping at straws. I did hear, however, that Rosie will be making more appearances next season so looks like my make believe letter writing campaign has paid off. To conclude, Teresa can’t understand why everyone is pissed at what she said in her cookbook because she was “just being funny.” She actually said that everyone says that she’s so funny “like Lucille Ball” so she wanted to be funny in her cookbook. Brilliant. I’m pretty sure I was the one who called her the “Lucille Ball of our generation” but I’m just as equally sure I was saying it on “Opposites Day.” Either way, if this is the case Barney is totally Ethel Mertz.