The Real Housewives of New Jersey is officially back (genuflect). We’ll be crapping the ever-loving shiz out of the season. Let’s go!
RHONJ is back and here’s everything we need to discuss from the season premiere!
1. Death Makes it Tough to Make Jokes:
As we know by this point, Tre’s mom passes away and I was surprised to see some actual footage of this when they were driving back and forth to the hospital and releasing balloons and the like. We, of course, felt horrible for her and her family. We also felt bad that we’re not overly able to make fun of her ‘I Dream of Jeanie’ hairdo from her one-on-one interviews when she’s talking about all of this. Let’s just hope that she sports this look throughout this season because, I mean, layup jokes for days.
2. Siggy is Still Screaming #AlwaysandForever
We still love Siggy no matter what you or anyone else says. But, she’s still screaming. Literally every line. We pretend they’re all reading lines because, reality TV. Sometimes I hit mute on some of the scenes just like I do when the kids on Teen Mom start crying. And, well, sometimes I go make a sandwich. Anyway, Siggy is in quite the pickle because she’s working up a storm and her husband (which she calls by his full name at all times) wants to her chill out and make less appearances. Honestly, that’s a good sign, right? Because if he were some dirt-dumpster stepping out on her on the regular he’d probably be psyched she was working so much. Also, I don’t want anyone to turn on Siggy this season like we’ve heard (more on this later). P.S, when Siggy arrived at the Boca restaurant she, legit, was like the mayor and screamed to let all the patrons know she was there (literally). Some of them were psyched and some was super annoyed. I would have pretended I was annoyed and then would have stalked her all around the steak-joint until she paid attention to me (puh-lease).
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3. Dolores Has Never Looked Better
The love of our life, Dolores, has never looked better and we’re psyched for her because, well, isn’t beauty really the most important thing? If you don’t look good, how do you know if you’re a good person? I also think that about drinking. If you don’t drink, how do you know if you’re handsome? Either way, Dolores finds herself in an interesting sitch this season as her ex-husband Frank² is breaking up with his girlfriend/wife and moving back into Dolores’ home. She seems to think all this is totally normal and we’re all in for what we’ll assume is constant hijinks. For example, they gave him a massage table as a bed and put a musty sheet over it. Hijinks.
4. Vacationing in Boca Raton is, Clearly, How to Kick This Season Off
Fresh off her motivational speech tour, Siggy wants to take all the girls to Boca Raton, Florida because she says it’s her 2nd home. I don’t know if I’d brag about that kind of thing but, hey, to each their own. The point is that we’re getting a Housewives trip right-quick! Plus, it’s Melissa’s birthday so we know drinking is for sure going to be involved and you know how we love a sloppy M. Gorga. Plus, Danielle Staub is coming along for the adventure and we couldn’t be more thankful to the folks at Bravo for making our Make a Wish dream come true.
5. Who is Margaret Josephs and Why the Pigtails?
She’s the newest housewife and just from seeing the previews alone we were already over her. But, we have to be honest, we don’t hate her. Sure the pigtails are a pain in the ass for the eyes to look at and we miss half of what she’s saying because we can’t figure out why an adult woman is dressed like a doll at all times, but we’ll let it go (for now). Margaret Josephs runs a multi-million dollar business out of her home and we’re not entirely sure what it is, but she was talking with her team about how a wallet looked like an elephant dick so we’re guessing she’s like a vet? Oh, also, we only watched one episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne, but we’re pretty sure that Margaret is just Chyka with bleach blonde hair. Who’s with me?
6. This is the New Tre?
Tre-bagger is glad to be away on an all expense paid vacation to Boca, especially since she wasn’t really allowed to travel before due to her “going away” situation. You remember the one. Here’s the thing, I feel good about Tre this season because she’s already kind of telling some tales out of school about Joe and saying she’s still pissed at him. It’s really the first time we’re hearing her not pretend that everything is 100% perfect, which is refreshing. Now, it might because she just released her new book and, in it, she kind of trashes Joe a bit. So maybe this is all just a good business decision? Either way, we’re all in. Oh, and this is her new book, by the way, that was just released yesterday: Standing Strong.
7. Danielle Staub is Actually Not the Worst
Just go with me on this. Her very first scene where she sits down at lunch in Boca and immediately says “There’s a lot we all have to talk about” I was like, oh here we go. But, I have to be honest, so far she’s really likable and things don’t seem fake. I mean, I say that based on 10 minutes of footage in one episode, but I’m cautiously optimistic. Tre and Melissa seem to really like her, but Dolores is totally the voice of reason when she says, “Um, am I the only one who thinks she’s crazy?!” Good for Delores. She’s totally our unsung hero. Also, Danielle is about to be engaged for the 20th time and Tre was sure to whisper that in her ear and they both had a laugh over it. It’s like, “Remember when we all wanted to kill each other ~ LoLz ~”
8. The Cake Toss is the New Table Flip
Meanwhile, back in Boca, Siggy is throwing Melissa a nice birthday dinner. I mean it was a so-so dinner, but Melissa was doing shots along with Tre and all was right with the world. At one point, Melissa was doing an impression of Teresa when she told her brother that Melissa was dancing all night with some dude at her bachelorette party circa 2004. She jumped up, started dancing, and sticking her ass out all while Siggy and Dolores looked horrified. We, on the other hand, felt like it simply looked like a traditional Jersey greeting and/or mating ritual.
Siggy decides to break things up by showing Melissa the birthday cake she had made for her based on her store, Envy. Melissa didn’t look like she overly cared but that may have just been due to the sauce. At that moment, Tre decides to toss a little cake onto Melissa’s face and then Melissa did the same. Somehow things got out of hand and next thing you know Teresa picks up the entire cake and flings it 10 feet to wear Melissa was running. She really is so strong. Siggy. Was. Pissed. They were laughing (as was I), but Siggy couldn’t have been more upset. She was screaming, “Great now we have to let the restaurant know we’re from New Jersey.” Oh, I’m pretty sure they already knew. Siggy keeps freaking and Margaret Josephs whispers for her to “take it down a notch” and Siggy is less than pleased at that response and tells her to “Go F” herself. Again, another Jersey custom, I believe.
- Margaret Josephs talking about her ‘puss spray’ that she and her husband use to liven up her gentleman-greeter. We wonder if said puss is in pigtails.
- Joe Gorga firing a pancake at his little son’s face during breakfast, knocking the orange juice out of his cup and onto the furniture (part of the New Jersey Olympics or no?)
- Teresa ordering a mimosa but, of course, pronouncing it “mimosis.” Oddly enough we bet that’s the name of her next book.
- Melissa sending Joe her first naked picture of herself and then telling everyone about it, including America, which means we’re sure ISIS will hack into her phone, expose her and then North Korea will finally win. We assume that’s how all this works.
- Teresa trying to explain to her elderly father her past history with Danielle Staub and him looking like he’d rather be back on the Mayflower. Also, is there an Italian translation for “Prostitution Whore?”
- Dolores saying that she’s like to make a correction to something she said in the past where she claimed Teresa would ‘never’ leave Joe. Now she’s changing her mind and removing the word ‘never.’ So there’s that. If Dolores is right about this and Tre and Joe get a divorce, Dolores will officially be the Nostradumas of our generation. And, you know, with boobs.