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Teen Mom: The Moment Bristol Palin Decides to Get Divorced (on Television)

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It’s time for another episode of “3 Minute Scenes Before a Commercial.”  This week, we experience about 3 minute scenes before we get a commercial.  Thank you and goodnight!

How are y’all feeling about this new season so far?  Had I had any voting mechanisms on this janky site I’d be able to poll you (that’s what she said?) so therefore please just scream your answer into the universe and I’ll somehow collect that data.  Anyway, I’ll tell you how you feel.  It’s too many people in this season.  It’s not that I can’t keep up, it’s just that I don’t get enough information and the information I do get is, well, kind of pointless (read: Maci’s son got a haircut).  Like, if you’re Maci and you have to recap your own episode you’d write something like, “I taught Bint-Lee math and then my son got a haircut.”  That would end her diary entry.  But, for real.

I suppose the biggest thing to happen this week was that Bristol Palin (I can’t say her first name without her last name) basically decided to get a divorce on national television.  Apparently Dakota going all 6’s and 7’s on her and the kids all the time is too much for Bristol Palin to handle.  Perhaps shooting defenseless moose from a helicopter would help calm her down?  Yeah, that’s right, I just gave a political joke from 2008.  Jealous?  Ugh, 2008.  What a simpler time.  Wasn’t 2008 when The Hills was really in its prime and the only thing this country was divided over was to either be on Team LC or Team Heidi?  Can’t we just go back to that?  Also, while I have you here.  Please get out and vote.  For real, do it.  It matters.  Either way, Bristol Palin and Dakota can’t seem to see eye to eye and, truth be told, I can’t keep my eye off her nose.  Is it new or no?  More importantly, was it just me or were the first few of her scenes this week all out of order?  I was like, how many times does she wear those overalls and white shirt?!  Then I realized the tricky MTV editing machine was at it again.  Speaking of which, is anyone tool-ish like me and always watch the clock in the background of the scenes to see if the time goes out of order?  Spoiler:  It did last week.  Also a spoiler….I need a life.

Meanwhile, Cate is fresh out of the slammer rehab and is ready to surprise everyone with an early entrance.  I know you’re supposed to work on yourself in rehab, but if no one tells Cate that those pink streaks aren’t a thing anymore, well, then they’re just enabling her.  Anyjunk, she surprises Tyler and he almost looks pissed.  Although he does go into weird baby voice and does an odd running shuffle to hug her so I’ll just let the therapists of the world figure that one out.

Speaking of therapists, I have to admit I’m loving Tyler’s therapist.  I love how she’s always so casual on that couch.  Like, last week she had her dog with her and this week she never even took off her puffer vest.  She’s basically like, “If I can prescribe meds, legally, this is all you’re getting from me.”  I assume.  Anyway, she spilled the beans that she watched past seasons of Teen Mom so I’m hopeful she’s reading this right now.  If so…hi therapist whose name I can’t remember and don’t need to know!! Hi!!  Regardless, she thinks that Tyler takes care of everyone else and will eventually snap.  I’d say what I can only assume are cigarette burns on his face lead me to believe he may have already snapped.  Also, I demand Butch.  Moreover, I demand April and Butch get back together.  If I were MTV I’d made it contractually binding if this show were to ever continue on.

In other news, so is Cheyanne’s family rich or not?  Anything else than that I don’t really need to know.  Actually, scratch that.  I need to know how many people they fit into that backyard for the pool party at her dad’s house because I’m pretty sure the neighbors are pissed.  Although the food looked decent so maybe they just catapulted some over the fence to keep them in check.

Apparently, Chey’s dad (I can’t be bothered to type out her whole name) doesn’t know that her boyfriend is living with her and her baby daddy (name please) spilled the beans to him at the party.  Just when I thought I wasn’t following what was actually happening I realized that everyone seemed like they were drunk and then, well, I was all in.  If they could just feed everyone booze on this show regularly I’d be more interested.  At one point her dad said that he he didn’t unconditionally love her because he loved her with conditions.  That’s like a real brain teaser.  I think he was trying to be funny, but somehow (through what I assume is beer tears) she freaked, said she hated him, stormed out (not in that order) and told other random people who seemed drunk that her dad told her he didn’t love her.  Oh, did I forget to mention that she said she want’s another baby in the next year or so?  Great planning. Someone get Dawn on speed-dial.

Oh yeah and then there’s Amber.  She’s actually doing, well, decent.  Of course she’s still depressed and probably one glass of wine away from a total breakdown, but in the meantime she seems ok.  Sure Leah doesn’t want to go visit her because she’d rather jump on a trampoline in the middle of a dirt-road-cornfield, but she seems ok.  Sure Dom DeLuise is away in LA for a “friend thing” and she has to take care of the baby by herself, but she seems ok.  Sure Krystal Meth made a surprise visit so that Amber could tell her that she’s back on most of her meds (not all of the originals, however), but she seems ok.

The trip must have been short because Dom DeLuise is back and wearing a t-shirt with cats in outer space all over it.  So that’s cool.  Amber made him dinner and they’re having a “date” in the kitchen with baby James in the corner and a giant oil painting of Leah hanging in the kitchen, you know, where those kind of paintings typically go.  I know everyone is going to be up in arms over Amber drinking wine, but I say smoke ’em if you got ’em.  Pills, booze, and new baby blues.  Am I right?  I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s going on a t-shirt.

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In the end, that’s all that really happened.  And, if I’m being honest, unless this recap gets like 300 shares I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to regularly keep up with this snooze-fest.  Although right now I’m 2-for-2 so you never know!  Stay in school kids!

God is Love,
Rev Run

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