Farrah – It’s another week and another episode where Farrah drags Baby Goop to the highway to talk about Daddy Derrick, but this time there’s a surprise. Apparently Daddy Derrick’s family adopted a mile of highway in Derrick’s name so now there’s a giant sign where Farrah and Baby Goop can take pictures in front of. I think it’s great that they adopted that mile of the highway, but I really hope Brandon and Teresa allow Farrah to see the highway more than once a year. Oh. Wait. Wrong family. Either way, Derrick’s family is loving Farrah and the success of her frozen yogurt shop, but she didn’t mention anything about being proud of her FroCo sunglasses……or her short-lived porn career. Maybe it’s in the bonus scenes they show on MTV.com. God is love, Rev Run.
Later, Baby Goop and The Big F decide to Facetime with Debra because they haven’t flinched in a while and probably miss having the fear of God hanging over their head. Plus, Goop says she misses Grandma. Strange. Farrah decides to take this time to start promoting her new furniture store because, at the end of the day, when you think of couches you think of Farrah. I mean, how has Amber or Cate not thought of this?! Also, if Farrah doesn’t sell puffy leather couches, I will quit life. Anyway, Farrah is psyched to open the furniture store in less than 30 days. Oh, and it will have local painters there and an open bar and food at all times because “that’s how she rolls.” Hopefully there will be a hologram version of Backdoor Teen Mom greeting you at the front door.
Finally Debra makes it all the way to Texas to visit Farrah and they spend the first 2 minutes greeting each other in “dead behind the eyes high-pitched baby talk.” So, yeah, that’s normal. Per usual, Debra tells them how much she’s missed them and, per usual, Farrah freaks out and just starts yelling at her saying, “People visit people and it’s not a big deal so let’s just move it along.” Now I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure she stole that from a Hallmark card. Honestly Farrah is the worst/best. Oh, and when Debra asks Farrah what she’ll have in the furniture store, Farrah just says “Everything.” So I assume she means dildos too. That’s a safe bet. And I won’t lie when say I was 100% confused by the pillow that Debra got Farrah as a “gift.” I was, therefore, 120% confused by Farrah’s reaction to the pillow. I mean, relax, it was just a nice gesture not an ISIS attack. Unless it was?
Clearly the best thing to ever happen to Farrah (even better than when Baby Goop was born) was getting that furniture truck. Genuflect. Debra describes the truck as “gorgeous” and Farrah is so excited about she decides to start talking to herself in a baby voice. I mean, can someone report me to Child Services so I get taken away from my own life and don’t have to watch this anymore?! Either way, the “truck excitement” is only shortly lived because as soon as Debra tries to show Farrah where the gas goes on the truck, Farrah loses her mind and starts swearing at poor little Debra-Who for speaking to her like she’s dumb. At one point Farrah just says, “My brain gets dumbed.” Perfect. She then jumps in the car and starts yelling out her typical phrases that (1) don’t make any sense based on the yelling-conversation and (2) are all signs of stroke like “Well God bless America!” For real she said it.
Next thing you know Farrah is immediately in a manically better mood within seconds because she says she’s so blessed that she has all these business and then says, and I quote, “…thank God I was like blessed with a brain.” I think she got the word ‘brain’ mixed up with “boobs’ again. Simple mistake. I’m not sure if the furniture store that she’s driving Debra to is one that Debra will live at/work at, but if anyone is in the area you should totally let me know…like people have been doing when they send me Facebook updates when they’re live at FroCo (which is 100% awesome and you should totally friend me on Facebook here). Either way, seeing these two behind the wheel made we realize that Debra and Farrah are the ‘Thelma and Louise’ of our generation. God bless.
In the end Farrah makes it to her furniture store, parks the truck in the back and actually says, “Yay! I made it to my back door.” Drop mic.
Amber – Ambjikistan and Sully are wrapping up their LA trip where they made sweet love to Dr. Drew on the television, but they’re having second thoughts about what to do with Sully’s son, Chris. Since he’s allegedly a giant mess who loves things like “the sauce” and “the drugs” they’re not sure if they should basically turn their home into a sober house and let him come live with them like he’s a less blond version of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. Ugh, such simpler times. I mean, Oliver wasn’t even hooked on meth or anything. He was just addicted to those giant circle eyeglasses…and being a jinks. See? Harmless.
I think it makes complete sense that Sully’s son, Chris, whose hairstyle looks like the oldest brother from Home Improvement (you remember the one) is coming to stay with them. Amber and Sully show him to his bedroom and he’s uber impressed by the house. I think he’s also excited with all the possibilities of what he’ll be able to steal from the house and then sell at the local pawn shop for drug money. Or booze. Or both. What’s the drug in which you use a metal spoon to warm up? Eh, forget it…this isn’t turning into a DIY blog.
Anymeth, all three stooges are having a chit-chat like school girls syncing up their flow in Christopher’s new bedroom, but they totally have some major ground rules for him. First off there is no using drugs inside the house. Outside in Leah’s treehouse, maybe acceptable. They’ll review it on a case-by-case basis. Second, there is no drinking in the house because as Sully said, “We can’t be around that.” Um, and cue all 15 scenes of Sully drinking beers on camera. If I had the rights to any Teen Mom footage, I’d show you myself but since I don’t, let’s all just close our eyes and flip through those scenes in our mind. They also ask Chris if he’s planning on attending any AA meetings while he’s staying with them and without batting and eye he just says, “Nope.” Amber goes, “It’s going to be hard” and somewhere there’s a “that’s what she said” joke in there. Chris thinks he doesn’t need AA because he just wants to move on and “not think about it.” Perfect. Totally logical and I highly doubt this will lead to Amber and Sully getting tied up, tossed into their bathtub, and robbed within an inch of their life. Nope, I don’t think that at all. Also, good luck with not trying to sell Leah on the black-market for a 40 of Bud Light.
Catelynn – Happy 1 year anniversary to Cate and Ty! How is it only 1 year? It seems like they’ve been together since they were 5 years old because, well, they kind of were. They decide to eat their wedding cake (as all couples do – eye roll) and Cate takes it out of the freezer. I mean it wasn’t even wrapped correctly. She basically put one paper towel over it and wondered why it tasted so bad. Also, was it just me or were you thinking that she’d cut the cake and Butch’s old drugs would have been hidden in there?! I wish. Oh, and Cate and Ty don’t seem to know what’s going on with iCarly 1.0 because they haven’t heard from B&T if they can trick her into coming home with them for good….er…I mean, going for a 1 year visit. At least that’s what I think Ty and his mom were talking about at that “restaurant” that was more like someone’s living room/crack den. It was so loud in there I could barely hear a thing. I tell ya, those poors sure like to speak loudly when they eat!
To celebrate 1 year of awkward marital bliss, Cate and Ty go to the sand dunes so they can pull a Vicki Gunvalson and go meet their maker. After racing around for 11 seconds they drink wine and eat fruit in the sand and talk about how they want a lot more kids. I think that makes total sense. I think Cate totally won’t drive her van directly into the Mississippi…or wherever the hell they live. At least she was smart enough to mention that having more kids scares her because of the postpartum, but I feel like they’re just spitballing these ideas anyway since they’re downing wine. You know how that goes.
It’s time to have some real low-level diner lunch with the most famous adoption lady in the world…Dawn! I love me some Dawn. I just wish she was trashy. I guess if there was one wish I could have granted in life, it would be that. Alas, it’s not in the stars and Dawn just remains a help adoption lady that, I assume, buys and sells children for sport. I’m not sure how it works. Also, is now a good time to bring up Cate’s ‘Grimace McDonaldland’ themed hair color? We can always get to it later.
Cate and Ty are texting Brandon and Teresa (their names must always be said in that order) because they want to set up that yearly visit where they get to trick iCarly 1.0 into trying to come home with them but, apparently, Big Tre isn’t responding to them. Cate is all upset and Dawn tries to dumb it down for them by explaining she brought a folder with her. For real, she was like, “Ok guys. See this? I brought this with me. It’s a folder.” They were both like “A what? Is Carly inside?” She wasn’t. I quickly checked. Inside the folder was the adoption agreement Catelynn signed where she says she can bring up visitation, but it’s at Teresa’s discretion. Honestly, Dawn said this 200 times and Cate was still not getting it. She’s concerned she won’t see iCarly until she’s 18. I bet she won’t even see her then because at that point there’s no way Teen Mom will still be on the air. Unless that’s like reunion special of all reunion specials?! Ugh I hope we all live that long.
Maci – Smiled once.
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