TM2 Recap: The One Where Briana Gave Birth to Stella and Then Tried To Sell Her

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It’s another week and another crap of the latest episode of Teen Mom 2.  If you’re not sharing this with your friends, you’re intentionally hurting me.

Jenelle – Looks like Jenelle really did take Jace to Saint Thomas after all.  She probably figured it was best to trap him on an island with David to see who would be the ultimate survivor.  Speaking of Survivor, the 2 minutes we got to see of their trip looked like they were shipwrecked and living on the side of the beach.  At one point David, literally, climbed to the top of a palm tree and knocked down some coconuts for the kids and then, for reasons that I’m still unsure about, Jace handed David a machete and they cut open the coconuts right then and there.  Still no clue why Jace is scared of David. Moreover, do you have to check your machete at the airport or is that considered a suitable carry-on?  TSA, let me know in the comments.  Thanks.

I also loved how Jenelle was on the beach with Jace and was like, “Hey Jace, see that tree over there?  I want to take you to it.” Um ok cool.  So it’s like a vacation within a vacation?  Why so literal with the walking plans?  Anyway, Jenelle asked Jace a million questions to basically see if he even liked her or not and he simply replied “yup” to all of them.  No joke, she asked about 5 questions and he just said “yup.”  Looks like someone is ready for 3rd grade! I’m sure Jenelle is just psyched that she gets to legally spend time with Jace after Barb won him in court last week.

That was pretty much all we got, scene-wise, from their trip and, well, it’s fresh off the magical vacation from Saint Thomas (the best of all the ‘Saint’ islands) and it’s a real bummer because they went from tropical blue water and sand to Kaiser’s third birthday.  Had Jenelle just given him up for adoption perhaps this episode would be centered around them releasing balloons into the sky in the middle of a high school baseball field.  Alas, they own him so a celebration is in order.

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Jenelle busts out the balloons for Kaiser that she claims says “Happy Birthday” but Marisa is all, “Um it says Happy B-Day.”  Maybe if they get picked up for another season they can afford the rest of the letters, but for now it’s all about birthday cutbacks.  In other news, Kaiser doesn’t seem to know how old he is because every time they ask him he just says his name. Like, Anna Mae from the movie “What’s Love Got to Do With It” his name is really all that he cares about.  You want to know what I don’t care about?  Jennifer Hudson being the new judge on ‘The Voice.’  For real, it’s going to be so much church screeching and the like.  Too much.

Anyway, Jenelle mentions that the only time she really talks to Barb is when they have to figure out which rest stop to pick Jace up at.  David thinks that’s for the best.  I also think he thinks bowl-cut haircuts are for the best because, well, that’s where he’s heading.  Also, stop trying to steal Michael Jackson’s thunder.  Meanwhile, Nathan told Jenelle that he bought Kaiser a dog for this birthday, but Jenelle thinks it’s really just Nathan’s dog and I’m all like:

Later we all get to attend Kaiser’s birthday party in which I’m pretty sure Jenelle is wearing her bathing suit to.  It’s indoors but I’m almost certain she’s heading out to “da club” right after that. Either that or Fox is bringing back In Living Color and she’s heading to an audition to become a Fly Girl.  Either way, there’s camel toe so do what you’d like with that nugget of information.

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Even Barb was in attendance in a nice off-the-shoulder floral dress, that I can only assume is selling out like hotcakes at JC Penny.  As you know, JC is the fanciest of all the Pennies.  The party is a bit of a snooze so Barb decides to try and grab Jenelle’s attention and suggest they all rent a cabin together on some mountain so they can take a trip as a family since they’re getting along better now.  Jenelle basically ignores her and then says she’s just being civil to her and doesn’t like her because she won’t give her back her son.  Seems fair.  Or completely insane.  You decide.  I was laughing, however, because when Jenelle started saying all this mean stuff to Barb, Barb just goes “Ok, so we won’t get a cabin together and go away.”  Haha good old Barb.  Good til the last drop!

In the end, Jenelle fills us all in on her wedding plans and how Barb isn’t getting the invite.  I mean, is it really even a legal marriage if Barb isn’t involved?  Even she’s not there to slur, “Love is patient, love is kind…” I’m not interested in even hearing about it.  Nope.  Not one bit.  I would be interested, however, if Barb would accept my offer to pay her $100 just so she could call me say, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may kiss your lil b**ch of a bride (that’s you).”

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Briana – Looks like Luis is around for a little camera time and to see if Briana needs any help with anything.  She does.  Everything. Like figuring out who in the holy hell wants this here baby.  But he’s starting with trying to install the baby car seat into her car.  He has no clue how to do it and then has to call her to come down to help him.  Somehow the convo turned to “trucking school” and he’s not sure if he’s going, but he knows he will be here for “this here baby.”  I mean, not calling the baby “THB” is really a missed opportunity.

P.S., If you’re a Teen Mom sleuth like me, you noticed that Nova was playing a small toilet game in the background.  I was like what in the what?  Well, I found the game here (and it’s real).

Well hold on to your uterus (or wherever a baby lives) because Briana is fresh off her doctors visit and it’s time to call and check-in with Roxanne and let her know how things are going.  I mean, if Roxanne’s phone doesn’t go direct to voicemail and say, “If you’d like to give this here baby up for adoption, even at the very last minute, press 1” it would be a big mistake.

As we know, Bri-Bri is one day away from actually having this baby and all she keeps saying is that they all have to mentally prepare for having “this here baby.”  I love how they channel Barb in every day life just as much as I do.  Luis, on the other hand, has other plans and he’s about to spring them on Briana.  Basically he wants to know if there’s ever a chance for them to get back together.  I love how he thinks they’re like Ross and Rachele and that we actually care.  Briana gets nervous and says she isn’t sure and that she’d like to wait and see “after his here baby gets here.”  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that Luis is going to jump ship and peace out to Truck Driving Academy to the Stars the second ‘this here baby’ pops out of her ‘ouchie.’ Meanwhile, Briana prob just secured herself another season of Teen Mom 2, so good for her in those regards.  I just hope we see more of Roxanne and Brittany.  Perhaps dancing.  Perhaps dressed in Medieval garb.  Whatever they’d like.

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Later, Briana is making plans to be induced on Monday but, surprise, the baby is already on its way.  Someone please alert Brandon and Theresa!  They’re bringing Nova along for all of this and she seems un-phased when Briana start going into labor in the car and then loses her mucus plug (vomit) in the parking lot of the hospital.  Also, if she was in labor why in the hell did they park so far away?  For real, it was like when you go to an amusement park, but arrive mid-day and basically have to park on the highway and walk the length of eleven football fields.  She should have just stop, drop, and rolled all the way through the parking lot to the front door of the hospital.  And, well, if Brittany played ‘Cold Hearted Snake’ during all of that then that would be fine by me.  And America.  USA! USA! USA! USA!

Anyone notice how good the “phone footage” was of Briana in the hospital?  For real, it was better camera work than the actual MTV crew.  You know Brittany had to be behind that!  In the end, Briana gave birth all while Nova danced on a chair.  She vowed no more kids, but something tells me we’ll be seeing her in this same predicament again! Perhaps next week.  I’m not sure how babies work.

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Kail  – I love that Kail still tries to be friends with her baby dady’s or is it baby daddies?  One may never know.  The nuns in my grade school never were able to teach us the difference in those terms due to them prioritizing teaching us how we were the worst sinners and were burning in hell for a multitude of reasons.  Anyway, Kail, her kids, and Javi all go out for pizza and to get super greasy on television.  They spend their time talking about how she’s going to ‘bawl’ during her graduation ceremony and I find myself bawling over the fact that it’s such a missed opportunity to not have Janet or Suzi in any of these episodes. The fact that we’re waisting our time watching Kail show Issac a picture of him when he was 7-months old and Kail holding him at her high school graduation bores me to tears.  But, I mean, I did like it when Javi told Kail not to be all “extra” because I just learned what that meant and it makes me feel young.  So there’s that.

In the end, Kail went to graduation, but we didn’t really get to see the graduation.  I guess that’s next week?  Also, who cares.

Leah – Looks like Leah is ready to take control of her life and she’s starting by hiring a life coach that she chats with on the phone whilst sitting in an empty West Virginian supermarket parking lot.  So, to sum up, it’s already working.  It’s basically in this here dumpster fire that Leah decides she’s going to become a motivational speaker and her first gig is selling permanent lipstick and telling these sad women about her life.  That all makes sense to me so I say “x on out of this recap if you don’t understand.”  That’s the first time I pretty much quoted myself.  I’m basically on Teen Mom now, I think.

It’s the big day for Leah to give her motivational speech and she’s nervous.  You can tell how nervous she is by the extra length of her hair.  It’s clipped on within an inch of its life and dangling down below her naughty-no-no.  So she’s clearly pretty nervous.  You would think the nerves would go away when they entered the place where all this was taking place and it was in a basement.  For real.  One woman started talking about the lipstick and then she looks at Leah and says, “Ok, like you should talk about some stuff now too.”  Uber professional.  Also, Leah should just drive an Uber.

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So that’s what Leah did, y’all.  Well she tried.  The poor thing was ready to Shasta McNasty in her britches and she just kept saying “confidence” over and over again.  I mean, she also said how nervous she was, almost bailed halfway through, and ended it with saying “we’re doing this for our girls.”  Did she mean her own or, like, everybody’s?    At one point, and I’m not lying, a woman in the audience actually laughed out loud during a ‘non-funny’ part.  Everyone else sat there looking like they were watching Santa getting slaughtered.  I, honestly, sweated throughout the entire speech.  The good news is that I’m down 2 pounds.  Silver lining, y’all!

In the end, Leah decided that it’s not the right fit to give a motivational speech at a permanent lipstick selling party.  Oh, yeah, I guess she’s right.  Who knew?!

Chelsea – Wore another Guns N Roses t-shirt.  Again.

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