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Teen Mom 2: Let’s Be Honest, Roxanne is Really the Star of This Show

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Briana – Looks like we’re all still trying to ride that adoption train until the wheels come off.  Briana has to head over to her ultrasound appointment because apparently she’s 72 months pregnant and it’s a requirement.  She’s even invited her baby daddy (am I allowed to say that?) with her and, well, because this is going to be filmed, he’s all in.  Briana’s sister, Brittany, is upset that he’s even trying to move forward with this since he’s doing the bare minimum and she wants some money in her own bank account because she’s doing more than him.  I’m not sure how any of that works, but I’m just glad she’s on the screen right now. She’s even wearing a baseball hat that says “Daddy” on it.  She’s the best kind of reality star because she’s a pro and knows how to work the system.  I’m not sure how you submit yourself for an Emmy, but she totally should.

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You know who’s such doom and gloom, but I love all of her?  Roxanne.  They’re all riding in the car to the ultrasound appointment and she keeps telling Briana that she’s basically too young to have another kid.  Briana keeps saying she can handle it, but Roxanne is basically telling her that she hasn’t even lived her own life yet.  She may have been saying more, but I found myself looking at Roxanne and thinking that had there been girl villains in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, she could have really made a name for herself there.   You know the ones I’m talking about, right? Just so we’re clear:

I always feel like Roxanne is either on the verge of tears or about to cold-cock someone at any given moment. It’s a great trait to have because you never know where you stand with her.  Later, Luis shows up to the appointment, but the baby is sassin’ and fussin’ and they can’t get a good picture so they send Briana outside to basically run laps for 10 minutes in hopes the baby will shake a tail feather.  Did I mention I couldn’t love Brittany any more than I do?  She’s got some yarn puppet-like thing on a stick and his make Briana run back and forth as she shakes it over her head.  Slow clap.

Roxanne takes this time to call out Luis and really bring the hospital parking lot party down a few notches.  She confronts him about how she knows that he won’t really be there for that baby because he already has a daughter and isn’t there for her.  Oh snap. Do people still say that?  I’m elderly.  Anyway, Luis looks like he’s in-process of soiling his britches, but says that she’s making it seem like it’s such a bad thing and Roxanne clarifies that it’s not a bad thing…it’s a horrible thing.  She continues on her real-time Hallmark card by saying that this whole situation sucks and that this baby (“this baby” almost sounds like Barb) is going to be born into chaos.  What was even more surprising was that she said she was 47 (and then changed it to 46) years old. I’m sorry now, what?  It’s like the ages of Roxanne and April from Teen Mom defy all logic.  I blame the eclipse today for burning my retinas.  Thanks sun/moon ball in the sky.

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Roxy Horror (my new name for her starting….now!) is like a dog with a bone and a boner all at the same time.  She won’t give up talking about Luis on camera and ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  She keeps complaining that he’s a quitter whilst still in the parking lot and then when they all go out to eat, Roxy keeps bringing it up that Luis is getting off easy and won’t be there for them at all just like she claims he is with his other daughter.  She’s basically recapping for us the convo she just had with him.  And now I’m recapping it for you. It’s like a recap within a recap within a recap.  It’s pretty much the reality show version of Inception (which I slept through…twice).  In the end Roxy Horror leaves the table in a huff (and throws her scarf over her shoulder in a dramatic statement) when Briana says she no longer wants to talk about adoption any more and that she’s going to raise this baby and “enjoy” her.  So there’s that.  I do love me some Roxy!

Jenelle – Dear God please let someone let Jenelle go to the gym. Please!  I fear for my own life at this point.  I’ve never seen someone want to go to the gym so badly before (minus me every 2 years when I sign up for a new gym and go 4 days in a row and talk about it to anyone who will listen and then miss one day and never go back again).  Anyway, she really wants to be at the gym, but since she can’t she’s basically forcing David into turning their backyard into American Ninja Warrior.  I say if she really wants a workout she should split a gallon of wine with Barb and then bring up abusive childhood issues and see how that turns out.  I’m sure Barb will just start chasing her around the yard with that damn deli meat slicer (ya lil, b**ch!).

Speaking of the blessing that is Barb, she’s sort of back this episode.  And by that I mean she’s dropping Jace off in a parking lot so he can run into Jenelle’s car and head to “the land” for the weekend.  Poor Jace is dressed like one of the Village People and David basically calls him out for that and Jace looks like he’s about to cry.  Back to Barb.  That hot little dish is camera ready and has her bangs (that start at the top point of her head) fluffed and puffed and looking fresh as a morning dew on a brand new day.

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Apparently Jace has an ear infection so Barb is giving Jenelle the directions on how much medicine to give him and for how long.  Jenelle looks like she already knows all of this and maybe that’s because she graduated from Medical Assistant School to the Stars.  One may never know.  And in order to make sure she still has the upper hand, Barb lets Jenelle know she had to put his medicine in this janky pill bottle container because if she gave Jenelle all of it she knew the bottle would never make it home.  I mean what was that all about?  Was she calling her and David out for being, like, ear infection medication addicts?  I’m so confused by life.

Later Jace is out playing with Kaiser and “by playing” I mean that Kaiser is sitting on a dirt bike in the yard and Jace is trying to tip him off the bike while he screams at the top of his lungs.  Even that other rando kid that’s there is like, “Uh, don’t do that.”  Kaiser ends up spitting up bananas and I feel the same way watching this week after week.  That’s actually how I end each recap I write, by vomiting up bananas.  It keeps the extra weight off.

Per usual, I feel bad for Jace.  He’s not really having much fun at Jenelle’s even though he is on “the land.”  There’s not much to do except listen to screaming, you know, for sport.  I was waiting for the screaming to begin when Jenelle was talking to her friend over the phone about spilling the Twitter beans on Kail’s pregnancy.  Kail was pissed at Jenelle, but Jenelle let her know it was actually Javi that told her Kail was knocked up and she has the proof via text.  Jenelle just wants to make sure she’s not getting blamed for this and doesn’t want the world thinking she’s starting something.  This is like the world’s worst Nancy Drew mystery ever.

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In the end, Barb is back, but just to pick Jace up from school.  He looks like he’s in “a mood” and so Barb senses that and used it to her advantage.  She asks him how his weekend at Jenelle’s was and he said “horrible.”  You know Barb was thinking “JACKPOT!!!”  He said it’s boring there and that Ensley is boring and he doesn’t want to go back there next Saturday.  Barb asked if he didn’t like it at Jenelle’s and he agreed he didn’t.  It’s like the court case writes itself.  Barb is quite the little detective, judge, jury, and lawyer all wrapped into one warped Boston accent.  Oh also, if I were Barb I wouldn’t let Jace sit right behind me in the car because I feel like maybe he’d try to strangle me with my own seatbelt when I’m at a stop-light.  Just me?

Kail – Not much is happening with Kail this episode except that she’s pissed that Jenelle let the world know she was pregnant by congratulating her on Twitter.  That b**ch!  Kail claims she wanted to “tell her story” on her own terms. I mean, what story? Because of all of this she’s forced to have to write a blog about being pregnant and sass some people along the way who have messed with her.  She says she’s not going to tell people who the father is because “it’s not anyones business.”  It’s not?  Since when is being a father of a baby a secret?  Unless, you know, you’re Santa Claus or something.  Also, Kail’s blog got 25 comments on her announcement and that left me feeling pretty good since I basically get around 1 to 4 comments on mine.  Maybe 15 more years and I’ll get it up to 10!  Sky is the limit…until North Korea bombs us off the face of the earth.  Ugh, that took a turn.

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Kail has to live Skype into the Teen Mom 2 After Show so she could announce to MTV she was pregnant all whilst still filming an episode of Teen Mom 2.  Again, like Inception…but the trashier version.  Was it just me or was Kail a d-bag to poor like “Nessa” the host?  When she announced it she just went deadpan with “I’m pregnant.”  She wouldn’t answer other questions and then slammed her laptop down when she was done.  So loving.  It’s there we find out that apparently Javi was the one who told Jenelle (Jenelle offered Kail the proof) and Kail went ballistic saying she had so much stuff on Javi she never told anyone, but now she was going to.  She claims she has photos and videos of Javi having sex with someone else overseas while he was away at war.  Why would she have video of that?  Were they still married?  I have so many questions.  Who knows what out there?  I was also pissed that Jenelle, Javi and Kail were all having a Twitter fight and no one invited me.  How come I can never get in one of those?!

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Chelsea – Aubree almost shook a duck to death.

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